It was just a regular morning. I was looking ahead. Rushing - to drop off, get to. Autopilot me.
I thought you were sleeping.
I touched your face, your shoulder. You looked so peaceful. Like you, but not. The Knowing brushed softly against me, but I pushed it away. That damn thing was not invited. I instead fell into the white of Terror, its mouth unavoidable - and far larger than I.
Panic and Fear forced their way in, but just as swiftly, the Strength within took over, gently stroking your face while saying to you, “I am right here, baby. I am right here.”
My breath, my palms, counting, trying, with all my strength, I tried. God, I tried.
Relief stepped in for a millisecond, as I looked up to see the responders, and I heard myself feel, “They can take over now. I am just so tired.”
The Knowing circled around me, wearing The Blinding Colors of the Inevitable. I wanted to close my eyes and see nothing. Ever. I then looked at our sons. Only then could I allow the Knowing to enter, and it quickly allowed its companions, Numbness and Agony, to tether in and out of my soul.
The whirling sounds of a house silenced of its ‘once was’ took over. Strangers invading our home, escorting us out, salting our wounds.
As the officer accompanied me out, I looked back - at our home, our life, our love.
I wasn’t ready to say Goodbye.
For Patrick
I thought you were sleeping.
I touched your face, your shoulder. You looked so peaceful. Like you, but not. The Knowing brushed softly against me, but I pushed it away. That damn thing was not invited. I instead fell into the white of Terror, its mouth unavoidable - and far larger than I.
Panic and Fear forced their way in, but just as swiftly, the Strength within took over, gently stroking your face while saying to you, “I am right here, baby. I am right here.”
My breath, my palms, counting, trying, with all my strength, I tried. God, I tried.
Relief stepped in for a millisecond, as I looked up to see the responders, and I heard myself feel, “They can take over now. I am just so tired.”
The Knowing circled around me, wearing The Blinding Colors of the Inevitable. I wanted to close my eyes and see nothing. Ever. I then looked at our sons. Only then could I allow the Knowing to enter, and it quickly allowed its companions, Numbness and Agony, to tether in and out of my soul.
The whirling sounds of a house silenced of its ‘once was’ took over. Strangers invading our home, escorting us out, salting our wounds.
As the officer accompanied me out, I looked back - at our home, our life, our love.
I wasn’t ready to say Goodbye.
For Patrick
Wow..I simply can't imagine. The pain in my gut ..my heart..is wrenching..and I have not lived this unbearable moment. I am in awe of you lady. You have made choices in this horrific moment that were driven by an amazing power of love. The debth of your love has to be not only what causes who to fight the forces of grief but that love also must be a constant battle. The love for your sons,forces you to fight against the sorrow,while your love for Patrick is pulling you to a place you know you cannot go. You are constantly in my prayers for I sincerely believe the Good Lord is wanting to hold you up as you know doubt are exhausted,and I pray that He never lets go of you. He will give you strength beyond reason. This is your story...yours alone..no one can truly know your pain, your sorrow..but what we do see is a woman who loves deeply and neither death or suffering has the power to destroy that in you. My hope is all who read your heartfelt words find that it only through love that we remain in the light and are a continuous beacon for others who are searching for a way through their own dark place. Love You! Char
ReplyDeleteChar - what a beautiful comment. Thank you. Your support of my journey has been such a gift. Only a person who has walked through her own pain is able to offer the love and support you have given me. Thank you for holding me up during the many times I was paralyzed. My gratitude flows daily. Blessings! - Jiji
Delete