It was just a regular morning. I was looking ahead. Rushing - to drop off, get to. Autopilot me.
I thought you were sleeping.
I touched your face, your shoulder. You looked so peaceful. Like you, but not. The Knowing brushed softly against me, but I pushed it away. That damn thing was not invited. I instead fell into the white of Terror, its mouth unavoidable - and far larger than I.
Panic and Fear forced their way in, but just as swiftly, the Strength within took over, gently stroking your face while saying to you, “I am right here, baby. I am right here.”
My breath, my palms, counting, trying, with all my strength, I tried. God, I tried.
Relief stepped in for a millisecond, as I looked up to see the responders, and I heard myself feel, “They can take over now. I am just so tired.”
The Knowing circled around me, wearing The Blinding Colors of the Inevitable. I wanted to close my eyes and see nothing. Ever. I then looked at our sons. Only then could I allow the Knowing to enter, and it quickly allowed its companions, Numbness and Agony, to tether in and out of my soul.
The whirling sounds of a house silenced of its ‘once was’ took over. Strangers invading our home, escorting us out, salting our wounds.
As the officer accompanied me out, I looked back - at our home, our life, our love.
I wasn’t ready to say Goodbye.
For Patrick
I thought you were sleeping.
I touched your face, your shoulder. You looked so peaceful. Like you, but not. The Knowing brushed softly against me, but I pushed it away. That damn thing was not invited. I instead fell into the white of Terror, its mouth unavoidable - and far larger than I.
Panic and Fear forced their way in, but just as swiftly, the Strength within took over, gently stroking your face while saying to you, “I am right here, baby. I am right here.”
My breath, my palms, counting, trying, with all my strength, I tried. God, I tried.
Relief stepped in for a millisecond, as I looked up to see the responders, and I heard myself feel, “They can take over now. I am just so tired.”
The Knowing circled around me, wearing The Blinding Colors of the Inevitable. I wanted to close my eyes and see nothing. Ever. I then looked at our sons. Only then could I allow the Knowing to enter, and it quickly allowed its companions, Numbness and Agony, to tether in and out of my soul.
The whirling sounds of a house silenced of its ‘once was’ took over. Strangers invading our home, escorting us out, salting our wounds.
As the officer accompanied me out, I looked back - at our home, our life, our love.
I wasn’t ready to say Goodbye.
For Patrick
